The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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