Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
He literally asked permission to hit on me
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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