I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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