Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
