I'm gonna have a badass scar
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
