I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
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