Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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