I can tuck mytits in my pants
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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