My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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