im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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