I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
