he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
