The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
