as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
