i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
