god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
