Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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