You can't motorboat a personality
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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