I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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