I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
