Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Randomize
