Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.