you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My vagina just recognized that song.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.