I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
