just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm determined to sit on that face.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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