i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
