Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
