cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
