Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
