accomplished twins. life is a go
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
