Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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