I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
