tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
