Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
