you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
