MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you would pick up someone in the library
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
