By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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