Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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