I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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