My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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