please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
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i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
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I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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