dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
