did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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