girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
