I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
