In the future we'll all be gay
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
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This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
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Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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