he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
