I thought spray tan was a myth
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.