Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
