My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
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There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
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when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.