Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt