I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
So vagazzling was a success
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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