she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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