I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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