I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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