bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.