I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
