ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
