all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
