I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
